Introduction
to Addiction: A Family Disease
Personal chemical dependency is often just the first layer to a more complex and deeply seeded problem. Not only is it common to discover that a chemically dependent person was raised in an addictive home; but often the husbands, wives, or significant others also grew up with an addiction. While many of us can accept alcoholism and chemical dependence as a personal disease, it is difficult for those close to an alcoholic or addict to recognize it as a family disease.
In many cases, because addiction often crosses generations, the life situation of addiction has become a way of life.
Living in a family stricken with addiction can bring on feelings ranging from anger to rage to helplessness. This is to be expected, since the family member has lived with the personality changes, lying, sneaky behavior, broken promises, financial stress, shame, and possibly even violence of the addictive family.
To live with addiction in the family typically means you have lived for months and possibly years with an overwhelming amount of fear. If you are the parent of an addicted child, it is common for you to feel tremendous guilt. As a family member, you may have been have been hurt, and lonely. Some may only know despair.
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Confronting/Intervention
One of the most frustrating parts of living with someone who has an
addiction is the feeling of simply not knowing what to do. If your
loved one refuses to acknowledge the substance abuse, you can stage
an intervention. This includes a meeting where the addict is
confronted with his or her behavior. This is not a personal session.
The confrontation is not about attacking the loved one; but rather
it is about confronting that person's self-defeating behavior. It is
truly an act of love and concern.
The meeting should combine friends, family, colleagues, and should
definitely include a professional interventionist comprising the
intervention team. By confronting the addict as a group, the
collective impact of honesty and directness, based in a foundation
of love and concern, can overpower the denial of the addict.
It is important to plan ahead carefully with a trained professional
intervention counselor. People close to the alcoholic can be blinded
by their own personal needs, pain or anger, and may not be able to
handle a situation if it gets uncontrollable.
The interventionist will gather information that will assess the
appropriateness of the intervention and its potential for success.
Chemical dependence treatment centers or local councils on
alcoholism and drug addiction can most likely recommend an
intervention specialist in your area. This could save the life of
the alcoholic or addict.
When handled correctly, it is estimated that 90% of formal
interventions result in the addict seeking help.
"If I just ignore, it may go away."
This is often the mentality of family members of alcoholics. Due to
their feelings of helplessness, despair, and hopelessness family
members many times end up turning to ignoring the real
problem.
In the earlier stages of alcoholism, when someone's drinking seems
to become a more noticeable problem, family members usually attempt
to rationalize their behavior. This includes inventing excuses, and
focusing on problems while disassociating the problems from
alcoholism, the true problem. Family members may rationalize the
alcoholic's behavior by not discussing what's really happening at
home. Children raised in alcoholic family structures have learned
how to not trust others in talking about the real issues. They have
also learned it is simply best to not trust that others will be
there for them, emotionally, psychologically, and possibly even
physically. A child develops the ability to trust by trusting the
parents to meet the child's needs.
Concepts of Addiction:
- The disease concept - the chemically dependent parent is not a "bad person" but rather has a disease that can be treated;
- Blackouts - children can become confused as to why the alcoholic can't remember things that happened while drinking;
- Personality changes - children need to be aware that alcohol can cause a total change in personality, and that not all people who exhibit such behavior are mentally ill
- Broken promises - children should know their feelings of anger and disappointment are valid, and should understand that the promises are broken because of the addiction, not because of a lack of love;
- Denial - in the same way spouses may deny the addiction, so may children deny the fact that there are problems
- Enabling - children can be enablers too, and must understand that enabling only makes
the addiction worse;
- Relapse - while relapse is common in recovery, it is neither the child's fault nor the child's responsibility.
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Enablers
Enablers are the people in the addict's life who make it easier for them to continue their pattern of chemical abuse. Anyone involved in the alcoholic/addict's life can be an enabler: husbands, wives, children, parents, employers, coworkers, or healthcare workers. These are normally the people who want the addict to change the most. It hurts to see the addict in pain, so the enabler does things to help reduce that pain.
Here are a couple of examples of how people enable addicts:
- Borrow money to pay off bills or damages as a result of the alcoholic's behavior;
- Make excuses for their inability to perform at work;
- Attempt to get them out of a drunk driving charge or other serious situation; and
Lie to others about their intoxication.
- Lend money that they know will be spent on alcohol or drugs;
- Take over the addict's chores because he or she is too drunk or high to do them;
- Lie to others to make their home life seem normal.
The addict may be the one asking you to enable the addictive behavior, either explicitly demanding things or blaming you for a lack of support. A common reaction by friends and family is, "What is wrong with me that this person is behaving like this?" This is the beginning of the enabling cycle, which escalates beyond the control of the enabler. It ends only when the enabler finally realizes the addiction is not controllable.
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The Need for Tough Love
To break the hold the disease holds on you and your family, you must practice tough love. Tough love means we let go of the enabling behavior that makes it easier for the addicted person to avoid the consequences of their disease.
Tough love means you no longer:
- Cover up for them;
- Lie on their behalf;
- Make excuses for them;
- Loan money to them, regardless of how important they say it is;
- Bribe them with money or presents to stay clean or go to treatment;
- Clean up after them; or
- Keep silent about how their behavior affects you.
It is called "tough love" because it is difficult to see a loved one in pain. You may feel guilty and confused, but remember: when you attempt to shield them or protect them from their own behavior, you are protecting the addiction and not the individual.
Family Recovery
While we know the bottom line of recovery for the chemically dependent person is their need to accept their powerlessness over alcohol or drugs, recovery for the family begins with their acceptance that they are powerless over the addict's use of alcohol or drugs.
That means you have to come to terms in your heart, with the reality that no amount of controlling, begging, pleading, manipulating will keep them clean and sober. You have to truly know in your heart and soul their usage and behavior is not about you. It is about them and their disease.
Powerlessness
In the past, you may have attempted to control the addicted person's behavior and usage only to have
it end in failure. After several attempts and failures, you may now feel powerless. It is important to understand, however, that feeling powerless is not being defeated. This comes after several attempts to help the addict, only to have that person reject your assistance. It may be easier to understand powerlessness by showing examples of the behavior to which you have reverted.
Control is often an attempt to bring order to chaos, to bring comfort to pain. Hopefully, however, you can see that in spite of your best efforts, the situation will continue to worsen.
Unmanageability
When the addiction of a loved one begins to pervade your own life, your own behavior can change gradually. This is natural when someone we love has a disease. You may not even notice you are a whole different person - feeling, acting, and behaving in ways that don't make you feel comfortable with yourself.
Have you experienced any of the following:
- Loss of sleep;
- Headaches;
- Stomach problems;
- Weight change;
- Anger;
- Excessive crying;
- Isolation;
- Decline in job performance;
- Sense of martyrdom;
- Inability to focus attention;
- Total preoccupation;
- Destructive behavior - against yourself or another;
- Abusing alcohol or drugs yourself; or
- Depression?
Similar symptoms happen to people caring for a chronically ill loved one. Parents who have children that have been sick for prolonged periods of time, when pinned down by a therapist or doctor, often complain of these types of symptoms.
We can regain our strength by identifying what areas we can change and what areas we can't. We are powerless over the disease of substance abuse, but we are not powerless over our behavior.
This is the beginning of recovery - for you.
Recovery is a way of regaining your own identity. It is moving out from the shadow of the chemically dependent person. You can begin to take responsibility for your own behavior and release yourself from the illusion that you had control over another person.
The early stage of recovery for the alcoholic or chemically dependent person is very painful. Your role in administering tough love hurts. You will feel sadness, guilt, shame, and anger.
Changing your behavior to take better care of yourself can be awkward and difficult. If you allow others to be a part of the process, you can walk through the pain and come out the other side. When you allow others to be a part of the process, they will shine the light, offering you direction and hope when it is hard for you to see that yourself.
Recovery for you and the family begins with a commitment to some type of family recovery program, any aftercare available, and the Twelve Step program of Al-Anon or another Twelve Step support program.
Al-Anon and Other Support Networks
Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help friends and families of chemically addicted people. It is where you can receive the advice, understanding, and encouragement you will need to deal with your own feelings and to continue to grow. In suggested weekly meetings, members of the fellowship share how they have used their program to recover from recurring symptoms of their own.
There are no fees and attendance is voluntary. There are no professional counselors; there are simply other friends and family members of someone who is addicted, who if they choose to speak will speak from experience. Meetings occur all across the world and on the Internet.
Al-Anon is open to anyone regardless of whether or not the alcoholic or addict is in recovery.
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